Donald Trump pictured moments before consumption.

Donald Trump formally announced his campaign for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination on June 16, 2015 and had since become a serious concern for the GOP. Trump’s ability to create a circus-like condition in debates as well as his abrasive and unorthodox nature would have certainly further bogged down an already ridiculous 10-candidate forum. This all came to an end Monday when he was suddenly eaten by the angry Mexican god Quetzalcoatl.

“It came out of nowhere. I heard a shriek and then some kind of giant bird was eating Mr. Trump”, said Sylvia Razo who was at a public address to protest Mr. Trump’s aggression towards Hispanics. She added, “It might have been a dragon or something. It was crazy.”

We would later find out that it is was both a bird and a dragon. Quetzalcoatl is a Mesoamerican deity whose name translates from the Nahuatl language as “feathered serpent” and he does possess traits of both reptiles and birds. Worship of Q, the name he prefers to go by now, began in the first century BC and by 600 AD his influence had spread throughout Mesoamerica.

Shortly after his meal Q had this to say, “I’ve wanted to eat this guy since his third bankruptcy filing in 2009. I mean who was giving this nut money at this point? How could he still be a thing? That awful board game that failed in 1989 and then again in 2004 when he started peddling it on his shitty T.V. show. Someone needed to eat this guy and when he started attacking my people I knew it had to be me.

Q graciously gave time for a Q and A (no pun intended).

What was most disturbing to you about Trump’s candidacy?


Q pictured eating politician circa 550AD

The mere fact that he could be taken seriously in 2015 should be a wakeup call for America. It shouldn’t take an ancient deity to fix this crap. I mean when asked about illegal Mexicans in America he said “we’re going to see what we’re going to see. It’s a very hard thing from a moral standpoint, from a physical standpoint, you don’t get them out. At least 11 million people — I’ve heard the number’s much higher …” That doesn’t even make sense. These words are not in the right order. If he’s dyslexic then fine but I don’t think so. I think he’s a jackass with a ton of money. Excuse me, was a jackass hahaha!

Should his irrational hatred for Hispanics immediately disqualify him as a candidate?

I should eat you for asking that. No I’m joking, but yes it should. That’s not the only issue however. He may be slightly retarded. As the Lawgiver and God of the Air I’m not familiar with the diagnostic criteria for mental retardation but when I hear him say things about Hillary Clinton like, “What she has done is criminal. What she has done is criminal! I don’t see how she can run. Because if the prosecutors, who are all Democrats by the way — that’s part of the problem with fairness here, they’re all Democrats so they’re protecting her. But if you had an impartial prosecutor and they were honorable — and maybe they are — we’re gonna find out but what she’s done is criminal.” Again this collection of words does not communicate anything. Its stream of consciousness rambling. Hillary is a criminal and the prosecutors are not honorable, but they might be, but they aren’t and the Democrats are not fair in some way. This is gibberish. 52% of Republicans polled wanted Trump to stay in the race as of today! What the hell are you people doing?! He was in first place out of 11 candidates. 11 or 12, whatever.

Trump claimed he would win the Hispanic vote. Would this have ever been possible?

You must be referring to the nonsense in Laredo, Texas where that monkey showed up and said “I’ll bring the jobs back. And you know, the Hispanics are going to get those jobs. And they are going to love Trump. They already do.” Although this was the most lucid comment I had heard from Trump, it was still broken English and probably a lie. Still I could follow it so props to him there. This doesn’t change the fact that Trump’s jobs plan consisted entirely of “I’ll bring the jobs back”. That’s both a brief statement and the entirety of the plan. I wish I could eat that guy again. Who would have thought anything would make fucking Huckabee sound reasonable.

Q ended the interview by claiming that he would now, “return to the winds of his land and once again bring law to his people”.